Legal Driving: Should It Be Banned?

I know that people are, um, “dense.” But I’ve been wondering lately if something more sinister might be going on…

…something not related to vaccines or anything like that. Something seems to be really, really wrong with The Matrix, and I do believe I’ve stumbled across the fault line where the evil veil we call “life” is stitched together with demonic super glue.

I’m talking, of course, about traffic laws.

Here is a list of beliefs held by a sizable and vocal population of U.S. inhabitants.

  1. Speed limits are the MINIMUM speed you can drive. Literally. No, not in some “abstract” way. Speed limits are the lowest speed you can drive on any road. The sign says “40 mph” it means DO NOT DRIVE SLOWER THAN 40.
  2. U.S. freeways are JUST LIKE German autobahns. Even if the person holding this belief DOES NOT KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT AUTOBAHNS this belief is held. They believe that there is, in fact, no speed limit as a MAXIMUM (remember belief number one– it’s a minimum). So all the stuff that applies to an autobahn applies to U.S. freeways. It’s “common sense.”
  3. Because laws exist to keep people from “camping” in passing lanes– the U.S. freeways are autobahns. Case closed. You should be able to drive any speed you like, as long as you are the fastest car on the road and stay in the left-most lane.
  4. School zones are for losers. Speed limits are minimums. School zone speeds apply IF YOU CAN SEE A CHILD. This is pointed out by the message “20 mph if children are present.” If you look around and don’t see any children, you can ignore the school zone. If in doubt, drive faster than the speed limit. Driving slower should be illegal.
  5. You are obliged to get out of the way of merging traffic. When someone enters the freeway, anybody who is in the lane they want to occupy must “get over” even if this requires a risky maneuver.
  6. If you enter a freeway at a slower speed than other traffic, you should vanish and not be there at all. Being slow is not allowed. Go away.
  7. Driving “too slow” is a hazard and forces good drivers to weave through traffic– often having to swing right and burst into the right lane in order to exit. This is why slow driving should be illegal.
  8. If your driving causes me to have to slow down, then you have “cut me off” and you deserve to get a traffic ticket (or a shotgun blast to the head). Your right to exist ends where my imagination takes me. I have priority over you by rights invested in me by Lord Baltimore and the Continental Congress. And Jesus.


UHHHH… I mean “ahem.”

These “ideas” (we’ll call them the Homicidal Driver’s Bill of Rights) are not rare. They are common. What amazes me is HOW MANY PEOPLE not only believe this crazy stuff– they get INSANE when you try to object to their right to drive like these crazy “rules” imply.

They get furious.

Rage. I think the word is “rage.”

Road rage.

Now– here’s my point. This nonsense CANNOT be the natural result of human beings just stewing in their juice on the highway. No. NO.

There is NO WAY to understand this thinking IF YOU AREN’T ONE OF THESE PEOPLE. I can’t “puzzle out” what kind of insanity they are selling, so they would like to ban me from the road. Seriously.

This “Bill of Rights” is just too odd to be “natural.” This bizarre business cannot be the result of mere chemical and physical processes that lead to the evolution of species and the survival of the fittest.

Oh no.

This insanity could only be generated by some evil influence far beyond the ordinary world.

Folks, in this insane, commonly held set of beliefs I think that I have found PROOF– beyond refutation– that the human species is infected with some kind of mental disorder and is doomed to a horrible fate like a lake of fire or something major involving the San Bernardino Freeway.

That’s right. I’ve found the one true and singular example of original sin and mankind’s damnation. Only Satan himself could have invented such lunacy, and on that point I rest my case.

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